Top > Sport > 2004 > September > 2004-09-18

Food for thought: Grid cracks at buffet line

Last week, I got on you all about being idiots (which you are). Some of you, the weak ones perhaps, suggested that Grid was gettin` a little too cranky, even for his less-than-optimistic old-aged demeanor.

``C`mon Grid! Show us some love,`` you pansies said.

(I`ll let you tell it from here.)

``I mean, tell us Grid, tell us about somethin` you love. There is enough hatred, enough denigration in the world. We want to know about somethin` that Grid loves.``

OK, fine. Even though it`s harder than Missus G`s banana bread, Grid`s rock-solid exterior can be cracked, if ever so slightly. If you beg enough, you can find a way through all of Grid`s winter coating and into a corner of his heart.

You wanna know what I love?

I love buffet-style restaurants. `Round here, in the 1980`s, they were called Royal Forks, or something like that. Now there is Old Country something or other. And that place near malls that rhymes with punter B Tupa.

I love these places!!

I love that every person who goes there planned their whole eating for the entire week around their trip to B (from here on out, we`ll call these restaurants B). The Missus and me don`t eat for 24 hours before going to B. It`s all about maximizing your experience.

I love how someone who dropped out of school and can`t keep a job and has no patience or spatial reasoning skills at all, is motivated just by walking into B.

For example, Bobby, age 38, can spend five minutes working that self-serve, soft-serve ice cream machine, maxing-out that tiny dish. Won`t spill a drop. Didn`t anyone tell him precision doesn`t matter here? Spill it on the floor. Get seconds, thirds, 19ths.

That`s the beauty of B. Diners here care. It`s like church for eaters of mediocre food. These people have never eaten good food. B eaters see choices and lots of them. Most important, they see a place where they can be among friends and family and the worst macaroni and cheese they have ever eaten.

Veteran B-goers, like Gridself, have a plan. How to negotiate the traffic around the mashed potato line, how to time it just right, so that you get the fresh plate of fried chicken, how to stay away from things like french fries, which you already eat several times a week.

Grid usually starts with potato and macaroni salads, because those are the only real kinds of salad. Then I try one of everything, baked beans to spare ribs, pizza to bread pudding. In case you didn`t know, there are no limits on the beverages, either. Is this heaven?

I saw one family actually drinking the chicken noodle soup out of water glasses. Water just takes up space, the wise grandfather said. True enough. B is all about maximizing your eating pleasure.

Sometimes, people take naps underneath the table, you know, let the food settle a little, so they come back refreshed, ready for a fourth round on the same bill. It`s like they`re trying to get two meals out of one, pull a fast one against B. Just like church, that could lead to bad karma. The gods of B are watching. Wouldn`t want a hair in that creamed corn, now would you?

THE PICKS

Last week: A very-much Grid-like, 7-1. Season: 9-5, for a just warmin` up 64 percent-e-mundo.

THE PROS

* 49ers at Seahox: Forget the Super Bowl. Is it too early to talk 16-0? Grid can`t pick against these guys. Remember this: The offense hasn`t even clicked yet. SF becomes roadkill No.3 for runaway bandwagon. SEATTLE, 30-13.

THE ALMOST PROS

* Wazzu at University of Mike Stoops: Wildats put so much faith into the guy, they might as well name the school after him. And he`s a heckuva coach, but the Cougs rarely back down from a cat fight. And nobody is better at name-callin` and hair-pullin.` WSU, 13-9.

* Montlake Misery at Tarnished Golden Touchdown Jesus: The game of the year in college football ... about 15 autumns ago. In case you`re wondering, yes, Matt Tuiasosopo would be starting at quarterback for UW right now. These two teams are horrible. Truce-ing Irish slightly better, 5-4.

THE KIDS

* Auburn at Tahoma: Trojans` SPSL march continues right here with a spin through Bear country. And that`s no easy task. Grid`s Winnebago once got lost in Tahoma`s parking lot. We had to stay the night. Reynolds put a wrap on this one for Auburn, 24-19.

* Sumner at Enumclaw: Is there a cooler name on the planet that Pete`s Pool? Who needs corporate-naming rights? We need more people to come up with original, profound stadium monikers. I, myself, like Grid`s Grassland. Enumclaw, 27-24.

* Bothell at Skyline: Cougs spent better part of last week puttin` down more railroad ties on the Plateau, so Blue Train can make the long trek. Might need sleep cars for this trip. It`s a long strange trip. Cougs, 24-20.

* Inglemoor vs. Woodinville, at the Pop: Ahhhh, Northshore big game at the greatest venue this side of Madison Square Garden. Grid`ll be there, hangin` out with the Naked Viks. Hope I don`t scare the ladies away. Naish Ramblers are startin` to get that `look.` Inglemoor, 19-16.